In this semi-regular feature, the Syrup Trap reviews a Canadian city. This week, Regina, Saskatchewan.
At first glance, Regina seems to have a lot going for it: It’s a provincial capital, birthplace of Leslie Nielsen, home of the RCMP training centre.
Regina also has numerous steakhouses, an Earl’s that is rumoured to be Canada’s cleanest and numerous pizza joints classy enough to call themselves “pizzerias.”
But let’s start with the name, which rhymes with “angina” (the tight strangling feeling that victims of coronary heart disease feel in their chest when their heart doesn’t get enough blood). It also rhymes with “saliva.” It’s also spelled remarkably similar to the name Regine, as in Régine Chassagne, the tone-deaf accordion player from Arcade Fire. So that’s three strikes for Regina right there.
The city is surrounded by Ring Road, which has the notable defect of not forming a ring. Fortunately, thanks to the city’s impressive collection of potholes, most passenger vehicles are shaking too much for road signs to be legible.
The local football team is the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Their logo is a giant letter “S” (for Saskatchewan). Their mascot is a gopher with vacant eyes. According to a Facebook survey in 2014, hockey fans in NHL-less Saskatchewan are most likely to cheer for the Pittsburg Penguins. The best possible professional hockey scenario for the people of Regina is that the city of Pittsburg wins the Stanley Cup.
Regina’s economy is supported heavily by potash, bentonite, kaolin and other materials that no one outside of Saskatchewan has ever heard of and that may or may not have been invented in the 1960s as part of a make-work program by the Government of Canada.
Regina is home to the Saskatchewan legislature, where elected representatives draft and update critical legislation like the Agricultural Operations Act, the Agricultural Leaseholds Act and the Agricultural Implements Act.
Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall commutes to Regina every day from his home in Swift Current. The commute takes more than two hours one way, which maybe tells you a bit about what he thinks of Regina.
Steve Nash and the aforementioned Leslie Nielsen were born in Regina, but were raised elsewhere and never spoke of Regina ever again. A Google search for “steve nash ‘I am from regina’” yields nothing.
At the centre of the city is Wascana Lake. It has an island in it called Goose Island that has geese on it. There’s another island nearby called Tern Island which has terns on it. Goose Island is manmade and looks like a giant phallus.
We called the office of federal minister of infrastructure Amarjeet Sohi for a comment on Regina. The request was ignored. Ditto with Regina mayor Michael Fougere (presumably pronounced Fug-ger).
Conclusion: Regina is a blight on all that is beautiful and good. The only consolation is that it was built on undesirable land far from anything else. No useful real estate was harmed in the making of Regina.
Final score: 1/10 ♦
Images via Corbin Fraser, Wikimedia
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