Queen accidentally beheads Boris Johnson during knighting ceremony

LONDON (The News Desk) — Provoking gasps of horror from assembled guests and onlookers at Buckingham Palace, the Queen accidentally beheaded British MP and foreign minister Boris Johnson on Wednesday morning during a knighting ceremony.

“Whoops!” the Queen was reported to have shouted as she drove her sword hard into Johnson’s neck, cutting cleanly through flesh and bone and causing his head to separate from his body. “I swear to god that was an accident.”

Citing her obligation to remain politically neutral in all matters of national importance, the Queen showed little emotion immediately following the beheading.

“Boris was a family man, always good for a laugh, and it’s a damned shame to see him go so soon. A damned shame,” she said, wiping specks of blood from her face and running a cloth down the blade of her sword.

“I think this still counts as a knighting, so his friends and family should be very proud.” ♦

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