I’m remaking Erin Brockovich so that it’s called Eric Brockovich

I couldn’t be less concerned about women being ghostbusters. I couldn’t be less concerned. If you think I’m concerned about it, you’d be wrong — as I say, I couldn’t be less concerned about it. Concerned about it? Not I.

But if girls are suddenly allowed to be ghostbusters, then surely I’m allowed to take a story about a real-life woman who beat the odds to achieve a momentous legal victory, and turn it into a tale about a man who did the same thing but way better.

You see, Erin Brockovich isn’t a story about a real woman per se. Sure, ‘Erin Brockovich’ was a ‘real woman’ and, yeah, her story was ‘true’ (if by ‘true’ you mean ‘actually happened’). It isn’t a story about her gender, even though, yeah, maybe her gender is inextricable from the narrative in a very meaningful sense. I’ll tell you what the story is. It’s an opportunity. An opportunity to meet a guy. A great guy. A guy whose name is Eric Brockovich.

Who’s Eric Brockovich? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce you? How rude of me. Eric Brockovich, the hero of our story, is a legal clerk battling the system. A system that screws him over. A system dominated by feminazis, femiscists (feminist fascists), and feminists (feminist communists). Eric may be a lowly legal clerk, but he’s the only guy with balls big enough to take on Pacific Gas and Electric Company. Oh boy, Eric’s balls are huge. You don’t need to tell me about this guy’s balls. They’re all anyone talks about, Eric’s balls.

Pendulous and threatening through Eric’s balls may be, there are people out there who want him to fail. When I say ‘people,’ I mean women. Eric lives in a world in which women stand at the gates of power and say, “You are a man and you are therefore worth less than us and we will deny you a voice and we will tell you what to do with your body.” Sound familiar? Yeah, man. Eric lives in the real world.

Eric — a single dad — is having none of that. He’s sick of women stepping on men’s noses with their high heels; sick of them treating him as a piece of meat. So he stands up (not easy, given the size of those balls) for what he believes in. And he battles Pacific Gas and Electric Company all the way, winning $8,000 billion by the end. What a huge victory for Eric. But most importantly, what a huge victory for everyone with a penis.

My version of Erin Brockovich does that most essential of things: it gives men a voice. And you won’t be surprised to learn that Eric Brockovich isn’t the only movie I’m working on. I’m remaking Mean Girls into a film called All-Round Great Guys; the classic Carrie is reimagined as Barry; and I’ve got a version of The Women in development, called — you guessed it — Why I Became a Men’s Rights Activist.

Some people have said that I can’t appropriate the life of a real woman for my own ideological ends. To this I say: the ghostbusters were every bit as real as Erin Brockovich. Maybe she’d be offended by that comparison. Maybe she’d be flattered. I’d be flattered. They’re goddamn ghostbusters.

You know why the new Ghostbusters trailer is one of the least popular videos in the history of the internet? Because the world is tired of being run by women. Beyoncé said it best when she said, “Who run the world? Girls. Who run the world? Girls. Who run the world? Girls. Who run the world? Girls. Who run this mother? Girls.” If women can be ghostbusters and they run the world, then they can do just about anything. That is utterly terrifying. Until 2016 a ghostbuster was the only thing a woman couldn’t be.

Some people have called my film projects a crusade. I’ll leave this for others to decide. A crusade is the pursuit of social or political change, often by violent means. So yes, now that I think about it, yes, this is a crusade. You’ve got to believe in something. I believe in going out of my way to stamp out the systematic oppression of male voices in cinema. Whether that’s by making dozens of films in which the female characters only say, “I am stupid and ugly and men smell” or by commenting on YouTube videos with “feminism kills men every single day, probably more than all the wars combined”… I’m just doing my bit. ♦

Image via Sony Pictures Entertainment

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