Stock market gains 40 pounds in overnight binge

NEW YORK (The News Desk) — Finance industry insiders throughout North America woke to a surprise this morning as the normally resolute stock market gave way to temptation and gained upwards of 40 pounds following an overnight binge.

“The market was just lacking in willpower this time, I suppose,” said Clarice Banerjee, an investment banking analyst for Morgan Stanley, adding that in her opinion the market simply caved after being so diligent in keeping its figures lean through the spring and early summer.

“I believe that there is now a fair amount of fat in many of the large cap stocks, and the market as a whole will likely rebound by working hard to trim a few inches around the middle.”

“After sustaining strict consumption conditions for several months, the market was primed for fat gain,” noted Ben Bernanke, former chair of the Federal Reserve.

“As it sits right now, it’s just not a very healthy market.”

“The market needs to go on a diet.”

Bernanke added that another such binge would undoubtedly lead to a feeling of elation followed by a severe crash. ♦

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