My son should not go to jail for 20 minutes of murder

Your Honour, my boy made a mistake. No one is denying that. But it’s important to remember that he was drunk, and that he is normally a very sweet boy who does not murder.

My son has no prior criminal record and has never murdered anyone before. He has never even tried to murder anyone. Except his brother Carl, but everyone in the family has. My son has maintained a 4.0 GPA while simultaneously managing — before last year — not to kill anyone. Your Honour, you are about to send a young white man with a promising sports career ahead of him to jail for a crime he committed. Frankly, it’s absurd.

My son is in the process of rehabilitating himself as we speak. He has appeared in numerous sad-looking photographs in the media, and has already outlined his plans to tour America to warn children about the dangers of drinking heavily around murderers like himself.

The boy is very upset by this whole affair, I assure you. I know that other people have been affected by this, in that they have been murdered, but please consider my son’s mental health. He has not eaten pretzels — his favourite food — in three days. He rarely plays video games. We played Pictionary the other night and he just drew a line with a circle on the end for “leg.” He has clearly learned his lesson.

He planned to compete in the Olympics. Have we forgotten about that, Your Honour? Just because the people who were murdered can no longer compete in the Olympics doesn’t mean that my son should face the same fate. I doubt they would have even qualified. He also planned to work in the financial sector.

I don’t think we should be too quick to forget that everyone involved in the 20 minutes of murder had been drinking and had recently listened to AC/DC. In my opinion, the culture of excessive partying that we’ve created in America is simply appalling. I equally blame the cultures of video games, baseball violence, knife play, religions other than my own, and raw denim. What do young people expect to happen to them when they become intoxicated to the point of losing consciousness?

It’s just common sense, Your Honour: if you fall asleep, no matter where you are, you will almost definitely be murdered.

Your Honour, the fact that prison is even on the table is simply appalling. My son is not a criminal, though to all observers he meets every possible legal, ethical and judicial definition of one. John, I’m begging you here, think about what you’re doing — do you really want to be shunned from the yacht club?

Really, really respectfully,

George White ♦

Image stolen from the Baltimore Sun

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