Large Toronto bank run mostly by crows

TORONTO (The News Desk) — An investigation into one of Toronto’s largest commercial banks, the Standard Bank of Canada, has revealed that almost all of its employees are crows.

“We went in there and every floor was just packed to the rafters with crows,” said Ontario Securities Commission director Fred Giller.

“Tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of crows working on pitch decks, financial models, and executing securities transactions. It’s not every day that you get to see behind the scenes of a financial institution of that size, and it was a real treat.”

Representatives from the bank confirmed that most of the bank’s employees are crows.

“We try to be as diverse and inclusive as we can in our hiring process, but for some reason it’s mostly crows here,” confirmed the crow that leads Standard’s investment banking division.

“There was one human, Mark, who we hired as an intern in our merchant banking division,” said a crow from Standard’s HR department.

“We knew from the beginning that it wasn’t the right fit. Mark ended up quitting after someone took a shit on his face.” ♦

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