Area Thane murther’d

VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Vancouver police released a statement this morning confirming reports that an area Thane was murther’d last night in his very chambers.

Though the name of the worthy Thane is being withheld from the public while police investigations continue, it was confirmed that other residents of suburb Kitsilano need not be afeared.

“Whatever villain mocked the night with this fell treachery was clearly known to the Thane,” police reported. “Evidence at the scene points to this quite conclusively: a lack of forced entry, no defensive wounds on the Thane’s forearms, and the decadent trappings of a night’s revels and gaeity, well snuffed by the spectre of a bloody reckoning, ill-sprung.”

Notably absent from the VPD’s statement is any comment on whether this most pitch and odious deed might have been wracked by a rival Thane. As has been previously reported, Thane-on-Thane violence in Vancouver is at a record high in 2016, with citizens demanding action from City Hall.

“Maybe to those paper-pushers in the mayor’s office this is all a numbers game,” said local small business owner Doris Simons, “but we’re the ones living here! We’re the ones that have to deal with the ill omens of a murther most tragickal! Why, last night all our chimneys were blown down! And the horses in the stables went wild and were eating each other!”

It is also alleged that on the night in question, a falcon (tow’ring in her pride of place) was by a mousing owl hawked at, and kill’d.

“Maybe if the police paid more attention to things like that,” concluded Simons, “we might be able to preserve what few Thanes, Viscounts and Princelings we have left.”

“If we don’t safeguard this country’s Thanes, there might come a day when our kids can only find them in history books.” ♦

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