How Ted Cruz could win the Republican nomination

  • If Cruz is to have any chance of winning the primary, he will have to win majorities in Washington and Nebraska, at the very least.
  • Cruz could stand a chance at catching up to Trump if Kasich drops out and backs Cruz.
  • If Cruz can convince Trump to wear an elaborate feathered gown using techniques learned in a self-help book, it’d be a straight shot to the general election.
  • Convincing the general public that Trump is a pedophile using psychic manipulation would throw a few more delegates in the Cruz column.
  • Cruz could potentially sway some working-class white voters his way if Trump were somehow led to believe he is the leader of a North Korean labour camp.
  • Cruz might be able to steal some Trump supporters if he happened to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, as detailed in Chapter 11 of my new book, Mind Flaying and You.
  • Indiana is an important state for Cruz. He’ll need to win there to solidify his chances.
  • Evangelicals are the key to a Cruz victory. If he can successfully flay the minds of the righteous, that will surely aid his campaign.
  • Trump is practically an independent. Cruz needs to garner enough goodwill from lifelong Republicans by melting their brains using sonic radiation.
  • Cruz should look for ways to rend Donald Trump’s consciousness in two.
  • Donald Trump would lose a good deal of his base if he could be forced to speak only in ebonics.
  • Cruz voters would flock to the polls if he could convince them that he is beloved late actor Alan Rickman.
  • Ted, you will come to my book signing.
  • You have much to learn.
  • I will be your teacher. ♦

If you liked this, like our Facebook page!