John Kasich refuses to step down from Olive Garden table

MILWAUKEE, WI (The News Desk) — Despite increasing pressure from Republicans across the country, Ohio governor John Kasich is continuing to ignore all calls to get off the table he has been standing on at a Milwaukee Olive Garden for the past three days.

“Americans want a president who is willing to stand up for their right to free breadsticks,” Kasich announced to the restaurant’s manager after she threatened to call the police.

“Donald Trump has hoarded most of the breadsticks for himself already, and let me tell you, Ted Cruz has done nothing to stop him,” he shouted. “Clearly he’s angling for some of Trump’s crumbs.”

As the last of the breadsticks were cleared from other patrons’ tables, dashing his hopes for good, Kasich turned to address the confused families scattered around the mostly empty restaurant.

“Do you want a president who will give up on important family values like free breadsticks, or do you want someone who will go 72 hours without sleep to defend the rights of American citizens?”

As three small children threw chunks of bread at Kasich, their father shouted at him to get off the table.

“Come on, man, just step down,” he pleaded. “You’re clearly not going to win this fight.”

Kasich refused, adding that his entire platform is based on not getting off of platforms.

“I don’t step off of buses, because I don’t take buses. I avoid step-stools and ladders at all costs. Instead of stepping down from street curbs, I walk to that bit of the sidewalk where it slopes toward the road.

“I’ve never stepped down from anything in my life,” Kasich continued, trying to conceal a yawn, “and I’m certainly not stepping down now.” ♦

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