Witnesses convicted in Ghomeshi trial

TORONTO (The News Desk) — In a widely anticipated verdict, the women who accused former CBC personality Jian Ghomeshi of assault have been found guilty of not behaving as assaulted women should.

“The public is an expert on how abused women should behave,” said frequent Tim Horton’s customer Bob Reynolds, 52, in a statement outside the court of public opinion. “These women, unfortunately, failed to behave in that manner.”

The women have been fighting an uphill battle since the news first broke that Ghomeshi, a popular figure in Canadian media, was being accused of assault by anonymous complainants rumoured to be women.

“The whole thing just seemed fishy to me from the start,” said woman-on-the-street Debbie Marchand, 31, who has been following the trial closely on Facebook. “Things got really out of hand when my friend told me her friend met Jian once and he was, like, super nice. It just doesn’t add up.”

Most peculiar in the women’s defence of their characters was the revelation that they had spoken to Ghomeshi following the alleged abuse.

“Mr. Ghomeshi’s police-quality personal dossier of information on these women’s behaviour before and after the alleged incidents is quite damning,” said Law and Order expert Peter Fass, 29. “It makes them look pretty bad.”

Observers were also quick to point out that what the women did following the alleged assault does not line up with what they would have done in the same situation.

“If anyone treated me that way, I woulda gone straight to the cops. The cops are great with this kinda stuff,” said John Menzies, 40. ♦

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