UN demands emergency inquiry regarding Canada’s oppressed white men

NEW YORK (The News Desk) — Accusing Canada’s government of a blatant disregard for even the most basic of human rights, the United Nations Human Rights Committee called today for an immediate nation-wide investigation into the status of Canada’s fragile, oppressed white male majority.

“The status of white men in Canada today is nothing short of a humanitarian disaster,” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon told press Friday morning.

“We urge Canada to take swift action, lest this country’s white males are made to feel even slightly uncomfortable by the increasing prominence of women and people of colour in daily Canadian life.”

The UN’s suggestions include the construction of temporary golf and tennis clubs across the country, emergency airdrops of amenities like stonewashed jeans, cash and Bloomberg trading terminals, and an inquiry into Canada’s long history of anti-white racism.

“They teach kids about colonialism in high schools and elementary schools these days. Imagine how terrible that must make white men feel, to have to relive the horrors of colonialism like that,” said UN researcher Kim Park.

Members of a UN task force claim they witnessed numerous human rights abuses committed against white men during a recent visit to Canada.

“We saw them being accused of being racially insensitive at social gatherings. We saw them getting passed over by potential employers for equally talented candidates. We saw how white men have fewer disadvantages than other groups in Canada, which is an unfair disadvantage that white men have,” said UN inspector Sandra Pillay.

“We even saw one white guy put into a situation where he had to parse a recent immigrant’s thick accent. We were this close to referring this case to the Security Council.”

Canada’s white males were further marginalized this week after the country’s largest employer, BuzzFeed Media Inc., announced that it would no longer be hiring any more white males.

“Thankfully, some white men are finally taking a stand,” said Pillay, referring to the thousands of white males who took to social media this week to protest BuzzFeed’s decision.

“For the first time in this country’s history, Canada’s white men are taking a stand for racial equality.” ♦

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