Pope Fallible

September 13
First day as Pope. Feeling good. Comfortable slippers.

September 26
Didn’t realize how much of my time would be spent blessing people. My wrist is killing me — can’t find a naturopath in this town. Taking a break to prepare for next month’s Vatican Council summit. A whole week reviewing the annual budget and exorcism protocols. My economics background should come in handy.

September 28
Spilled soup on my vestment at dinner tonight, heard Cardinal Giovanni mutter something about my fallibility. Is this something I should be worried about? Wrist is feeling better; Father Weise is blessed in the massage arts.

October 4
Am I reading this correctly? I am actually infallible!? I thought that was a metaphor, like drinking the blood of Christ, or buying the stairway to heaven. But it says right here: “Cornerstone of papal authority.” “Rock upon which the Church is built.”

Wow. This is pressure I did not need. When someone says you can do no wrong, it’s usually a compliment, not a challenge.

Having the Roman Curia over for dinner tomorrow. Thinking of making Thai.

October 5
What an awful night. The Curia spent the whole evening complaining about the inevitable acceptance of gay marriage. Leviticus much? I’ve seen lepers handle themselves with more grace. Honest-to-God lepers.

Cardinal Giovanni gave me that look again. Said I put too much turmeric in the saffron rice. Said he’s allergic to yellow spices. I didn’t even know that was a thing. But that look he gave me, the fallibility look. Really starting to worry me here.

October 5, addendum
Just want to remind myself that Cardinal Giovanni is kind of a dick, and I’m probably worrying about nothing. What did I expect from a man who thinks “namaste” is a thin spaghetti?

October 12
The first day of Vatican Council was exhausting. We didn’t accomplish a thing — it was all “nano-marketing” this and “advertainment” that. Most of the session on alleviating poverty in the Brazilian slums was focused on our Q-Score. The Council seems more intent on recruiting the hungry than feeding them.

I impressed myself, though. When I suggested a team-building exercise at the session on indigenous rights, there were more than a few snickers. But then I caught Cardinal Giovanni’s eyes, locked onto him like a prostitute gripping a rosary.

“When the apostles lowered Jesus from the cross, wasn’t that the ultimate trust fall?” I leaned in closer. “Or have I made a mistake here?”

I think Cardinal G got the message. He couldn’t human-pyramid fast enough.

Infallibility kicks ass.

October 16
I might be onto something. Tuesday was movie night in the Holy See, and we were overdue for a Star Wars marathon. Just for kicks, I suggested Jar-Jar Binks was an undercover Sith. You should have seen the looks. I think Bishop Edwards fainted. But no one disagreed. How could they? It was obviously a trap.

October 23
Does the Pope wear a funny hat? You bet he does. Conducted mass in a Green Bay Packers cap this morning. Gotta support the Lord’s team, right? If that offensive line can carry Rodgers to a Super Bowl this year, I’ll make Vince Lombardi a saint.

November 6
Finally took a day off! Spent it with Father Weise making a brunch of locally sourced Albenga violet asparagus and free-range Alpago lamb, then we watched the Canucks game. Wish I could do something about their power play, but I’m only infallible, not a miracle worker.

November 14
Don’t know how I missed it all these years, but there are a LOT of white people in the Christmas nativity scene. I’ve decreed that parishes worldwide change their displays this season to reflect the local population. I mean, if you’re going to misrepresent history, make the lie work for everyone.

Cardinal Giovanni openly challenged my decision in Council, said a perfect God does not revise his work. He grudgingly acknowledged my infallibility, but he’s so upset with the direction I’m taking the Church that he feels like Jesus is carrying him down the beach. I told him those are actually his footprints in the sand — Jesus got tired of his whining and left.

Zing! Even my jokes are infallible.

November 20
Christmas lights are going up around the Vatican today. Too early, in my opinion, but I know my limits. Some traditions are truly sacred. ♦

Chris Cannon is co-founder of the Canada Party.

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