This will be my final podcast

INTRO MUSIC: THEME SONG

RYAN: Hello and welcome my friends and cousins, my confidantes and comrades, my loyal listeners — anyone and everyone who happened to download this podcast, by choice or by chance. It is so, so gratifying that you took the time to click “Get” or “Subscribe” or whatever action you might have made to coax this episode onto your device, so that you find me now uttering these words into your eardrums.

It is truly special for me to know that I have your undivided attention for the next little while as you do the dishes, walk around a food court on your lunch break or attempt to fall asleep. I bet I can help!

It’s a bittersweet day. The next 12 minutes will not be easy for me, because, as a few of you may have heard from my mom if you’ve seen her recently at IGA, today I have an announcement that many of you will find surprising and likely very, very sad and tragic.

It’s with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be my final podcast.

I’ll be back in one minute to tell you why.

But first, I would like to thank my sponsor: my uncle Phil’s carpentry business. Need a breadboard? My uncle Phil makes beautiful breadboards from sliced walnut, oak and cherry wood, hand-planed and run through his basement band saw. He will make a durable and attractive breadboard for you, in whatever shape you want — as long as it’s a fish or rectangle. Email Phil-carpenter-44 at gmail dot com to order yours today.

Thanks Phil. And thanks for the breadboard.

I’m back, cousins. I know you’re probably wondering, why this is my last ’cast? “Why?!” you’re probably shouting, out loud, on a crowded bus, plaintively. And people are staring at you — right? That would be classic.

I started this podcast four years ago with high hopes. You’ve probably been with me for the whole crazy ride, so you know what I was trying to achieve when I first spoke into the built-in microphone on my computer. Simply put: aural perfection. After that first episode I knew I had caught the podcast bug. “Podcast rabies,” I called it, since it spread so fast throughout my entire being and made me crazy.

So, what am I going to do with my time now that the podcast is being retired? Good question, comrade. The truth is that I’ve been stung by another hobby.

I’m going to do graffiti.

It’s all I can think about. I have graffiti hepatitis, you might say, because I was first infected with this passion while in Brazil.

Simply put: podcasting has lost its lustre. When I started, I was a pioneer in a new world. All was exciting. Now the podcasting universe is clogged with millions of copycats, many of whom couldn’t produce a decent episode if their podcast depended on it.

And I just don’t think I’ll have time to devote to both podcasting and graffiti. I have already bought graffiti supplies and a cool headband, and I’ve chosen my tag: it will by “RY” in three-dimensional capital letters. I’ve been doing tons of doodling, and really looking forward to pursuing this new interest with all the intensity you would expect from me.

Still, I did give birth to 17 sweet baby episodes over four years. Not as many as I’d hoped, I’ll admit it, but what can I say — I have high standards. I did not want to go on air with shows that weren’t loaded with insightful personal reflections and my uncannily prescient take on current events. It may have been me providing the comedy and commentary, but I know you were there all the way. Cheering me on during every hilarious voice I performed, every spot-on impression.

Speaking of being with me since the very beginning, I have to give a special shout-out to my cousin Spencer, who provided editing and sound engineering for every episode.

Thank you, Spencer, from the bottom of my heart. I could not have done it without you. I have a special gift waiting for you at my house.

[SOUND FX: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

It’s a breadboard.

But don’t cry for me, comrades; it’s been a magical run. I’ve been blessed. And don’t worry, I’ll keep working on my impressions. I know they’ve been a real bright spot to many.

Anyway, that’s all for me. Let me just say once more, with tears streaking down my cheeks, it’s been an absolute pleasure to enter your ear canals these four years. On behalf of me and Spencer and Phil, I wish you a fond adieu.

“RY” out.

OUTRO MUSIC: THEME SONG SLOWED DOWN ♦

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