Nancy Codbone, childcare professional, has died

Much-loved matriarch Nancy Codbone died peacefully in her sleep yesterday evening at an unknown age. She is survived by a fluctuating number of adopted children and two sisters, Evil Greta and Good Hazel.

Ms. Codbone will be remembered as a pillar of Forest Grove. One whiff of her signature toad slime pie cooling on her gingerbread windowsill was enough to remind one of everything that Ms. Codbone accomplished for the community during her long, extremely drawn-out, mind-bogglingly prolonged life. Many reported hearing her cackle on the wind the night she left us, particularly near the Old Oak Tree With the Scary Face.

Ms. Codbone made her living as a supplier of affordable elixirs to relieve aches, pains, and the demonic possessions that constantly hound each and every Forest Grove resident, but her true passion was the community’s children. Her free time went almost entirely to preparing fattening snacks for the children of Lil’ Toadstools Daycare Centre, or joining search parties for the many children who went missing from Lil’ Toadstools Daycare Centre.

Her house was the first and only in town to be constructed entirely of gingerbread, frosting and hard candies, and proved a popular meeting place for the local youth. Even though she would melt if she touched water, Ms. Codbone, ever the hostess, always had a pitcher of iced tea and a toothless smile ready and waiting when the last school bell rang. She literally salivated at the thought of children.

Sure, Ms. Codbone had her flaws, just like the rest of us. Her neighbours had to put up with the blood-curdling laughter that came from her house every Sunday night, and all those who turned down one of her treats grew pigs’ tails, but like her green face and hundreds of warts, these were superficial problems that could not mask her great heart.

Many residents of Forest Grove have a personal connection to Ms. Codbone. For instance, one day last October, my son Darren became lost in the middle of the Deep Dark Forest on the way to his first day of kindergarten. Luckily, Ms. Codbone was close by for some reason and found him. She gave him a ride to school, but not before conjuring up one of her famous chocolate chip cookies out of thin air. I never got to ask her how she did that.

Without Ms. Codbone’s help, my son surely would have been torn limb from limb by the enormous wild dog who lives in the forest and screams, “Nancy! Why have you cursed me?!” Tragically, like so many children in Forest Grove, Darren rapidly gained 100 pounds and then disappeared forever, but I am thankful for every moment I was able to spend with my boy.

Whether Ms. Codbone was a friend, mother, baker, Halloween costume contest winner, frog dissection aficionado, leader of Black Mass, conjurer, babysitter, or exorcist, she was something special to everyone.

A small service will be held near the Old Oak Tree With the Scary Face on the 31st of October, as per her wishes. The family would like to stress that wailing and/or shrieking will be permitted only during the designated wailing and/or shrieking procession. Those with allergies to incense or completely black felines are respectfully asked to pay their respects elsewhere, along with members of the clergy and the particularly religious.

The family requests you bring your own newts. ♦

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