CALGARY (The News Desk) — Claiming that he was disturbed by even the thought of Justin Trudeau handing out gifts to children, former prime minister Stephen Harper told press today that Trudeau was probably distributing illegal drugs to trick-or-treaters right now.
“I know exactly what he’s doing,” said a distraught Harper from the living room of his Calgary home, clutching a bowl of Kerr’s Molasses Kisses.
“He’s giving the little ones their first marijuana joint to smoke. And for the older kids, who are bored of marijuana, he’s got syringes full of heroin. It’s a damned shame.”
Harper also speculated that the Ottawa haunted house at which Trudeau posed for photos with his supporters the previous evening was, in fact, a haunted brothel.
“Justin is a depraved man who does not think carefully about the consequences of his actions. A photo op at a haunted brothel that offers spooky, haunted sexual favours is absolutely something I would expect of our prime minister.”
Harper himself was seen distributing molasses candies to children he didn’t like, and full-sized packs of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to children he did like.
“Jonny here is a Keynesian, and a delinquent. He deserves to be taught a lesson in austerity,” said Harper, handing a molasses candy to local kindergartener Jonny Merwin, age 6.
Sources later reported Harper saying, “I hate most children anyway.” ♦
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