Dear Members of the Giant Eagles Death Cult,
Guys, I’m so sorry. I really screwed up this time.
Over the past nine months I have received literally hundreds of signs and voices—mostly squawking—that strongly hinted the earth was going to be swallowed by a giant space eagle yesterday.
I’m mostly just embarrassed. Let’s be honest, I’m the face of the group. I’m the one who rants on the morning shows and gets lambasted by the late-night comics. It’s true that I get to have sex with all of you whenever I want. But I’m not doing that for me. I’m doing it for the Great Eagle.
I’m still not sure what happened. Maybe the Great Eagle swallowed another planet by mistake. I would not be surprised if astronomers inform us in the next few weeks that a nearby planet—one of the edible ones—has completely disappeared from the solar system without warning.
It’s unfortunate that about two-thirds of the Giant Eagles Death Cult went ahead with the drowning. For that I accept some responsibility. I think initially, a long time ago, I said that everyone should wait for my absolute final go-ahead signal before jumping off the cliff. I did say that, right? But some people got excited and jumped without waiting for my final, final signal.
I gave you a couple signals, sure. I sent that second-to-last signal, the skull emoji, but people must have interpreted that as the absolute final notice and jumped prematurely off the craggy cliffs and into the violent water below.
I’ve always said that if you can’t focus on the good things in life, you might as well commit mass suicide. Well, since we’re not doing that for at least another fourteen to eighteen months, we might as well look at the silver lining: our YouTube videos are smoking hot right now!
Special thanks for Lisa for the outstanding work on social media. You’re taking us to the next level. I’ve checked our stats, and we are currently trending.
If anything, I think this setback could help us spike our Google rankings and online engagement. Just this morning I got several requests to appear on several prominent news shows.
Well, I suppose that’s all for now. Remember to check the sex schedule. It’s a shared Google doc.
As always, remember to let me know if you see or hear any eagles while you’re out and about. It could mean something.
Illustration by Zoe Si
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