Volkswagen recalls better days

WOLFSBURG (The News Desk) — Disgraced German automaker Volkswagen announced an historic recall of better times Thursday afternoon, saying it can’t undo its mistakes but only wishes things didn’t have to change.

“Remember when you bought your first Jetta?” said CEO Matthias Müller, speaking to press in Wolfsburg, Germany. “Remember how that felt? We haven’t forgotten.”

The emissions scandal has overshadowed consumers’ perceptions of the company, whose quaint German accent and great body has been forgotten amid the betrayal.

“We would have told you sooner,” said Müller. “We were just afraid to lose you as customers. We’re endlessly sorry for hurting your feelings and possibly damaging your lungs.”

Customers have reported late-night phone calls in which the only sound on the other end of the line was the low rumble of a turbo diesel Golf idling, the caller ID appearing to have been blocked by the car’s internal software.

Many recall seeing their former vehicle tearing out of a parking spot across the street. Some have had mysterious scrapes appear in their new vehicles, with distinctive VW green paint left behind.

“We need you back,” said Müller. “Our stock has already dropped 20 per cent and we don’t know how far it could fall without you.”

Many of the company’s customers have already moved on to other, more trustworthy automakers. General Motors thus far has refused to help VW get in touch with its former customers, saying the German company had its chance and blew it.

“We look forward to a lasting relationship with customers who have been hurt by VW’s disregard for its customers’ safety,” said GM spokesperson Greg Martin. “We would never lie to them about our ignition switches.

“Exhaust systems. Whatever.” ♦

Photo via Bloomberg News

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