How to find the perfect ex-husband

Dear Winnie: You mentioned in your last column that being on the lookout for the perfect ex-husband was one of the most important things a girl can do in her early twenties. What are some traits I should look for in my future ex-husband? —Confused Karen

Dear Karen: As husbands go, the first one kind of sets the bar. So it’s very important that you pick right.

The ideal future ex-husband will love sports and making money. Neither of these things should fulfill him. He should think he loves you. He should forget your middle name. He should bring you flowers because your friends told him to. He should have broad shoulders and low self esteem.

Do not ask your father how he feels about your future ex-husband. Get married in either an orchard or a rose garden: a place that screams, “Where we’re going, we don’t need vases.” Your engagement ring should be upsettingly large and annoy your friends, who will feign happiness. Definitely have kids with your future ex-husband. Have one or two. You won’t have a pre-nup, because he’s afraid of you.

He will cheat on you with either your young nanny or secretary, and then you’ll know, and you’ll hint at this so that he knows you know, and then you’ll leave him.

You’ll leave him on vacation in Bali. A destination divorce. Blam! You’ve invented the craze of the decade.

When you return, you will pick the children up from your mother’s house, go home, have the locks changed, and phone up your friend’s friend, who gave you the card of a divorce attorney. He is not handsome, and far too comfortable hugging strangers. Start dating him. This man will raise your children.

Your husband will win 50/50 custody, but he will only see his kids every two weeks because you’re old school. He has an apartment where they might sleep ten times in their lives on fold-out couches.

He will date several women whose names you will try to learn. Your children will forget. They are all named Jessica. Danielle? You will learn that your children are shitty at guessing ages.

If you fail to succeed at your second marriage, to someone who is genuinely nice and smart, then you will default to a third husband who will undoubtedly sell cash for gold and do his own ads. You deserve it.

—Winnigail “Winnie” Van Code

Send Winnie your problems at askwinnie[at] ♦

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