FIFA caught using migrant labourers as soccer balls

ZURICH (The News Desk) — A group of executives at FIFA, the international body in charge of organizing the World Cup, were arrested today after an investigation revealed that the organization used migrant labourers as soccer balls in the 2014 and 2010 tournaments.

Seven members of the federation’s executive committee were led from FIFA headquarters by Zurich police on Wednesday, charged with using underpaid, overworked migrant workers in place of soccer balls on numerous occasions during the World Cup tournaments in Brazil and South Africa.

“The cost of running a world-class event like the World Cup are astronomical, which means we’re always on the lookout for ways to cut costs,” FIFA spokesperson Jurgen Seppi told assembled press.

“FIFA maintains that any migrant labourers involved were fairly compensated.”

The international soccer community was nearly unanimous in its condemnation of the revelations.

“This is a disgrace, not just to FIFA, but to everyone involved in past World Cup tournaments,” said Italian soccer columnist Fernetto Mellini.

“Migrant labourers, even if tucked fully into the fetal position, are not nearly as round as a soccer ball.”

“Matches that were played using the migrant labourer balls should be replayed,” argued sports writer Gerard Camden.

“It’s a no-brainer.” ♦

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