Harper government to cut funding for Northern Lights

OTTAWA (The News Desk) — According to multiple sources with knowledge of the forthcoming federal budget, the Harper government is planning a significant decrease in funding for the Northern Lights.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a federal staffer said that Prime Minister Stephen Harper feels the government needs to focus on funding things that benefit all Canadians, such as commercials about the War of 1812.

“The Northern Lights are seen by the prime minister’s office as a signature leftist icon,” said the staffer.

“They are considered artsy and flamboyant — the way they dance around all night long.

“Even the name, ‘Aurora Borealis’ — it’s not exactly Anglo-Saxon. Let’s just say it doesn’t appeal to the funding base.”

According to experts, a reduction in the Lights’ operating budget would put their future in jeopardy. Possible scenarios include turning them off a few nights per week, or switching to a more economical greyscale version.

The source added, “Their green colour isn’t helping the Northern Lights much. Maybe if they had a bit more ‘Tory blue’ in them, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Reports have revealed other items targeted for budget cuts include Niagara Falls and Canada geese, while additional dollars will be spent to bolster the Canadian Shield. ♦

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Image via Moyan Brenn