One-hit wonders. Flash-in-the-pans. Forgotten stars. You know their names, but darned if you know what they’ve been up to for all these years. We share your curiosity. That’s why the Syrup Trap contacted these 16 celebrities to find out if they’re still alive.
Vanilla Ice, rapper
“Thanks for your letter, Tristin. Is there a Vanilla Ice? Yes. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist. Although nobody sees Vanilla Ice, that is no sign that there is no Vanilla Ice. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.”
A spokesman for God told the Syrup Trap that the Almighty remains in good health. An intensely private deity, God has generally steered clear of public appearances since the Middle Ages. He last spoke to the media in a controversial 1980 interview with the Baton Rouge Advocate.
Adolph Hitler, dictator
Dead? Hardly! In fact, you can read a cover story about the exciting new directions for “Old Media” in the upcoming Saturday edition of the National Post. The National Post: A Better Read.
Lenny Bruce, comedian
After successfully kicking a narcotics addiction in the late 1960s, Bruce dropped obscenity and political material from his act and began touring under the stage name of Gallagher.
Charles Schulz, cartoonist
Charles Schulz is in hell.
Angsty teenage poetry
Reached for comment, the Poetry responded, “I am dead. Scream in the darkness. No reply.”
“The reports of my death are correct and accurate. Good job.”
Joseph Stalin, dictator
John Lennon, musician
It is believed that the Beatles rhythm guitarist was killed in a moped crash between 1978 and 1981. Although no official death notice was issued, when the 1983 Paul McCartney song “Take It Away” is played backwards, the following message can clearly be heard: “Moped, oh no, taxi taxi taxi.” Lennon’s moped was hit by a taxi, I guess?
Muammar Gaddafi, dictator
After the Libyan Civil War, Col. Gaddafi immigrated to the United States and opened a niche video store in Van Nuys, California. He died of heart failure in 2014.
Despite reports that The Music died in a private plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959, The Music has made a full recovery and is said to be leading a quiet retirement in Barnes City, Iowa.
Grandma Jean, grandmother
Not only is Grandma Jean alive at 93, but she still plays snooker every Friday and is a whiz on Skype. Love you, grandma!
Tom Waits, musician
Charlie McCarthy, entertainer
The 1940s radio star is still in good health and has taken up permanent residency at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. Tragically, however, he has not spoken a single word since the 1978 death of partner Edgar Bergen.
Bob Dylan, musician
Well, dead to me since he went electric. What a fucking sellout. ♦
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