We asked 10 famous Canadians to describe their first date. Here’s what they said

It is easy to forget that, regardless of how famous someone is, we’re all awkward, vulnerable people in the end. To remind ourselves of that, this week the Syrup Trap asked 10 well-known Canadians to describe their first date. Here’s what they said:

manningPreston Manning, head of Manning Centre for Building Democracy

“This is Carol Sardi, assistant to Preston Manning. Thank you for your interest in having Mr. Manning contribute to your funny magazine. Unfortunately, his schedule is simply far too packed and he will not have an opportunity.”

 

goslingRyan Gosling, actor 

“You’ve reached the personal voicemail of Ryan Gosling. If you’re calling to have Mr. Gosling star in your next feature film, please leave your name, number and a brief description of the script at the tone. ”

 

drakeDrake, rapper

“Thank you for your message to Drake.org. The Missouri Drake Association is committed to habitat restoration for drakes, hens and all manner of mallards and assorted waterfowl throughout the Missouri area! For reservations at our June fundraiser, please email bluegrass4ducks@drake.org.”

 

atwoodMargaret Atwood, novelist

“Delivery has failed to the following recipients or distributor lists: maggie@margaretatwood.ca. Please try resending this message, or alert your system administrator.”

 

 

pennerFred Penner, children’s entertainer

“Please don’t contact me again.”

 

 

 

blackConrad Black, author and former media baron

“With trepidation, I have prepared this automated rejoinder message to inform you that I shall be inalterably engaged for at least the next fortnight. As such, I must be abstentious with my correspondence. Confidentiality demands that I be discreet as to the nature of my current labours, but once they are complete, I shall endeavour to attend to each electronic memorandum with the appropriate consideration. If your query is of interest, rest assured I shall draft a response in due course.”

 

clarkJoseph Clark, journalist

“Hey! Thanks for the email. I think you may have the wrong person. Although I am not Toronto journalist Joseph Clark, I did serve as prime minister from 1979 to 1980. In fact, like all Commonwealth prime ministers, I still carry the title of Right Honourable! If I submitted a response, would that be something your readers might be interested in? Waiting to hear back!”

 

youngNeil Young, musician

“Your email has been received by NeilYoung.com. Neil tries his best to answer as much fan mail as he can, but he is Helpless to do so now, as he is currently away on his latest adventure! Knowing Neil, he could be in Alabama, Ohio or even Sugar Mountain, along with all his best friends in the whole wide world: Mr. Soul, Southern Man and Cowgirl in the Sand. Let’s just hope they can find that Heart of Gold without running into Old Man or Cortez the Killer! Please note, if you’re a man looking for a maid, you’ve got the wrong email :) Thanks again, and in the meantime, keep on rocking in the free world!”

 

queenQueen Elizabeth II, monarch

“The Queen has asked me to thank you for your letter of January 4th. Her Majesty has taken careful note of your request, but perhaps I might explain that this is a topic to which the Queen will not contribute. As a constitutional sovereign, the Queen acts through her personal representative, the Governor-General, on the advice of her Canadian ministers. Accordingly, your message has been forwarded to the Governor-General of Canada.”

 

gladwellMalcolm Gladwell, author

“My ideal first date includes ice cream, a brewery tour and cunnilingus. No exceptions. Why? Who is this?”

 

 

laurierWilfrid Laurier, ex-prime minister

“You’ve reached Laurier Pals Inc., the leading provider of Wilfrid Laurier impersonators for the Greater Sudbury area. We regret to inform you that as of August 1, 2009, Laurier Pals Inc. has ceased operations.”

 

duceppeGilles Duceppe, former leader of the Bloc Quebecois

“[Unintelligible, non-English dialect of some kind]“

 

 

munroAlice Munro, Nobel Prize–winning fiction writer

“Fuck off.” ♦

 

 

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