Congratulations on your purchase of a new pair of raw selvedge jeans! Jeans are made from denim, one of the most durable and beautiful textiles in existence.
Over time, your pair of jeans will mould to your body, taking on a wear pattern that is unique and authentic to your personality. For instance, if you are a librarian, they will project a calm confidence. If you are a bike messenger, they will be mildly anarchistic, yet militantly punctual. If you are a graphic designer, they will exhibit pleasant self-possession and an obliviousness to socio-political issues.
Best of all, if you care for them properly, your new jeans will be with you for a long, long time. Here is everything you need to know to make them last.
Origin of your denim
The organic denim that your jeans are made of was woven on handmade Canadian looms in Loomington, New Brunswick, a town whose buildings are made entirely of recycled looms, except for the loom factory, which is limestone. Your jeans were delivered to stores across the country in a small, three-wheeled trailer pulled by recumbent bicycle, which, in hindsight, is not a great way to see the country.
Taking your jeans home
Before you leave the store, have a look out the window at the sky. Is it raining? Does it look like it might rain? If so, stay inside until the storm threat passes. Inside your shopping bag is a sleeping bag, hand-crank radio and two protein bars to tide you over until the skies clear. The last thing you want to do is get even a single drop of water on your jeans, as it might detract from their authentic blueness.
Storing your jeans
You should really store your jeans in a simple cedar chest, since cedar smells good and its aroma will deter moths, who are really into selvedge denim right now. At least the cool ones are.
Listening to music
Your jeans hate guitar-based rock and roll. At the moment they are really into Scottish electronic dance music, but also have a grudging respect for flawless pop songcraft à la Taylor Swift.
Your jeans drink medium-roast drip coffee, black. BLACK. Also, they hate the flavour of hazelnut.
Washing your jeans
First, turn your jeans inside out, then fill your tub with lukewarm water. Next, sink your head under the water and hold it there for five minutes or until you stop breathing, because anyone who washes raw denim does not deserve to live.
Wearing your jeans
Not recommended. ♦
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