French Books are Better

Following the success of books such as French Women Don’t Get FatFrench Kids Eat EverythingFrench Women Don’t Sleep Alone and French Kids Don’t Throw Food, the publishing industry has realized that the public has an infinite appetite for books about how great the French are at everything. Here’s a preview of the next batch in the genre, scheduled for release tout de suite (soon).

French Floors Aren’t Slippery When Wet

A few hundred years ago, King Louis XIV slipped on a marble-slabbed patio while feeding the royal dolphins at the Palace of Versailles and tumbled backwards with an inglorious splash into the recently inaugurated Bassin de Latone. “Never again,” he decreed, probably in French, while wringing out his wig.

After handing out a stiff punishment of four days without éclairs to the head groundskeeper, Louis XIV oversaw the invention of all manner of items to prevent such tragic sliding. Historians credit the Sun King for inspiring devices as far-ranging as the rubber mat, the pylon, deck shoes and a pre-cursor to the Wet ‘n’ Wild Slip ‘n’ Slide — which, admittedly, had the opposite effect as the one intended, but was found to be a big hit at picnics, so it got the green light. Part historical primer, part inventor’s diary, this entertaining treasury explains why French floors are never slippery despite frequent periods of dampness.

French Cats Aren’t Completely Annoying

When Parisian stylist Laurence La Fayette travelled to New York City a few years ago, she encountered several North American cats and was shocked by their loutish behaviour. Clawing, scratching at sofas and meowing plaintively in the wee hours were just the start.

This future bestseller will make you reassess how you care for your favourite fur ball, with tips on embracing the laissez-faire approach to cat care the French are famous for. Sharp, smart and only mildly condescending, this hardcover is perfect to curl up with in bed, unlike most cats, who hate that.

French Craigslist Posts Are Witty

If you’ve visited the Craigslist site for any North American city, you’ve encountered posts that are borderline unreadable and utterly uninteresting. Headlines such as these are not uncommon:

“Guitar for sale make me offer”

“In need of hot models for proffessionel photo shout — FAST”

This sprawling text illustrates how French Craigslist sites have become contemporary canvases for creative expression, with love poems couched in apartment-rental posts, conceptual humour in the “admin/office” jobs category, and intricate wordplay in “casual encounters” solicitations. From “community” all the way through “gigs,” French Craigslist posts are evidence of the enduring power of decent grammar and poetic turns of phrase to help sell stuff.

French Cling Wrap Always Clings

North Americans used to have a culture of craftsmanship; we produced things with our hands. Yes, our hands were bleeding and covered in seeping blisters from handling the white-hot implements required for our crafts, but still.

Not long ago we were textile-makers and carpenters, cobblers and pie-makers. Now all we create is marketing gimmickry, responsive websites and holographic rappers. We’ve all but forgotten the traditional arts that past generations needed to survive, such as the proper way to lay pipe, sow seeds and handle cling wrap.

This timely title celebrates a culture (French) with a deep devotion to traditions, in which the sandwich wrapper or wrappess is still held in high esteem. Its chapters build a case for a return to working with our hands and re-learning the forgotten husbandry of handcraftedness, lest we forever suffer the indignity of stale sandwiches.

French Books are Frencher

There’s one major thing that non-French books are missing: they’re not French! This volume avoids that flaw by being entirely French. Available as an e-book. ♦

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