CP Rail president orders demolition of local community gardens, twirls moustache

VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Community members along the Arbutus corridor rushed to gather their supplies, harvest their vegetables and hide in their homes as Canadian Pacific Rail employees began demolishing community gardens in the area on Wednesday.

“Run, children! Run!” shouted schoolteacher Roseanne Murphy, ushering her students away from her carrot patch, the product of more than a decade of hard work and tender care, as a fleet of coal-powered bulldozers operated by men in top hats and waxed moustaches closed in.

Canadian Pacific CEO Hunter Harrison is reported to have ordered the demolition of the gardens early Wednesday morning while cackling maniacally.

“Those gardens along the Arbutus corridor?” Harrison told assembled press as he rotated slowly in his high-backed chair and steepled his fingers.

“They will all be destroyed!” he shouted, stroking the white cat in his lap.

Many locals have abandoned the prospect of saving their gardens, but one local still maintains hope.

“We can’t just stand here. We have to do something,” said brave young Martin the Mouse to his friend Baxter the Hare.

“But Martin, we’re completely outnumbered!” cried Baxter, as they watched Hampton the Badger lead his badger children underground.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Martin with a gleam in his eye. ♦