Burger King learns about breakfast from Tim Hortons

One factor that the announcements didn’t mention is that Burger King, which has had a hard time competing with McDonald’s and Starbucks for morning customers, could also gain from Tim Hortons’ breakfast expertise.

The New Yorker

A Tim Hortons breakfast executive paces the room in front of a group of Burger King executives, his hands clasped behind his back. He is wearing a turtleneck and staring at the ground.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
So. You all want to learn about breakfast.

Burger King executive #4:
Yes, that’s right.

The Tim Hortons breakfast executive stops pacing and stares at Burger King executive #4.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Is that so?

Burger King executive #4:
Um. Yes?

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Well, I have news for you. I don’t want you to learn about breakfast.

Burger King executive #2:
What?

The Tim Hortons breakfast executive runs at Burger King executive #2, puts his hands on the arms of his chair and looks into his eyes.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
No. I want you to see breakfast. To feel it. To know it.

He looks at the rest of the group.

I want you to know about breakfast.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Tim Hortons breakfast executive walks to the back of the room and turns on a record player. Bach’s “Mass in B Minor” begins to play. He looks at the group and points into the air.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Does anyone know what that sound is?

The Burger King executives glance at each other.

Burger King executive #3:
Music?

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
NO!

He slams the Tim Horton’s Breakfast Bible on the test kitchen counter.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Does anyone else want to try?

Burger King executive #1:
Is it … breakfast?

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Yes, Jim.

He closes his eyes.

That is the sound of breakfast.

♦ ♦ ♦

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Do you mean to tell me that you know breakfast, Jerry? That you know the first thing about the first meal of the day? Are you even listening?

Burger King executive #4:
Yes! I mean, no!

The Tim Hortons Breakfast executive grabs the Burger King executive by the collar and drags him to an egg frying on the test kitchen stove.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Look at it, Jerry!

He holds the Burger King executive’s face so close that it almost touches the frying pan, and then releases him.

Burger King executive #4:
Fuck! You almost burned my face off!

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
No, Jerry. You almost learned something.

He turns away from the group of Burger King executives and broods by the test kitchen window for hours.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Tim Hortons breakfast executive sits in a chair looking agitated and smoking a cigarette.

Tim Hortons breakfast executive:
Listen to me, you sons of bitches. I can’t teach you about breakfast. Not after what happened last time.

Burger King executive #3:
But we need you!

Burger King executive #1:
We’ve already come so far.

Burger King executive #6:
No, guys. I think he’s right.

He stands up at the back of the room and heads for the door.

This guy can’t teach us.

The Tim Horton’s breakfast executive looks on forlornly as several Burger King executives also file out of the room.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Burger King executives are preparing breakfast for the President of the United States. It’s clear that they’re frustrated and that things are falling apart.

Burger King executive #1:
We’re not going to make it. Not like this.

Burger King executive #3:
Does anyone remember whether kale is a breakfast item?

Burger King executive #5:
Wait, guys. There’s a better way.

All of the Burger King executives turn to face Burger King executive #5.

We can do this. We just have to do it how he taught us.

He takes out the recipe for a Bagel B.E.L.T.

♦ ♦ ♦

The president gives the Burger King executives a thumbs up at the big banquet after taking a bite out of his B.E.L.T. The crowd bursts into applause as the Burger King executives take a bow.

Burger King executive #3:
It worked! We did it!

Burger King executive #2:
And we couldn’t have done it without Tim Horton’s breakfast expertise.

Burger King executive #4:
Hey, look, back there!

He points into the crowd.

Burger King executive #7:
Where?

Burger King executive #4:
Never mind. I thought I saw someone familiar.

At the back of the crowd is the Tim Horton’s breakfast executive, who nods and smiles knowingly before leaving the room. ♦