RCMP announce plan to reduce sexual assault

sassaultThe RCMP have created a two-part plan for reducing the incidence of sexual assault on Canadian university campuses. RCMP Chief Superintendent Robert Monroe presented the plan during a press conference earlier this morning, which we have transcribed here for your convenience.

Rob here. OK, so I guess I’ll just dive in, huh?

The first step of our plan is to recognize whether you’re a vulnerable person or not. Ask yourself, do you ever go places alone? Yes? OK, so that’s strike one. Are you female? Another strike there. Finally, do you present your gender in a way that makes it evident to a random passerby who might feel entitled to sexual dominance without requiring your consent? If yes, then that’s three strikes. That means your safety is going to be diminished.

Now, on to step two! This one’s pretty exciting. Mostly my ideas.

The second step is vigilante self-defense. Let’s start with the basics: no-no zones. The crotch area is a real vulnerable spot for most rapists. Another spot is the forehead, where you can headbutt. Most guys don’t have a very tough skin there, since soccer is a girl sport where you practice headers. Then there’s the back of the neck: very tickly. Oh my God, it’s so tickly. You don’t even know, ladies.

You should also make your presence a little more imposing — scare these dudes off. Hitler moustaches, very tall hats and large facial tattoos should all be considered. And then, of course, there is serious weaponry. Anything from bear spray to an assault rifle to maybe, like, those boots that have knives in the bottom? I think Inspector Gadget had some like that.

Well, anyway, that’s it. We have no other ideas. Wish we could help more. But really, any combination of these simple steps should be pretty effective and reasonable.

Reporter: Would you consider taking such extreme measures yourself?

Are you kidding me? If I was a heteronormative woman in this society? I literally would never leave my house. I’d probably hire a security team. Sleep with like 15 guns under my pillow, ha ha. But that’s just me. I’m pretty paranoid, and a bit of a kook. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head home and go for a run at 3 a.m., alone, chest exposed, headphones in, through the middle of Pacific Spirit Park. ♦

Photo by Robert Kuykendall