UBC Sauder School of Business to close


VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — The Sauder School of Business at the University of British Columbia will officially cease operations next month, Dean Robert Helsley announced during a press conference earlier today.

“The rape chant controversy has dealt a blow to the business school — one from which, I’m afraid, we can’t recover. That’s why, starting this October, the business school will officially cease all operations forever,” Helsley told assembled press.

The dean cited mass student transfers as the primary reason for the move.

“As you know, over the last few days, every B. Comm student transferred to other faculties. Every single one. It’s difficult to run a business school without any students,” said Helsley.

Campus facilities manager Rob MacDonald told reporters that the Henry Angus building, former home of the Sauder School of Business, will be slowly dismantled over the next few months.

“Pieces of the business school will be carried down to Wreck Beach, placed on barges and floated out into the ocean,” explained MacDonald. “Former Commerce Undergraduate Society members will be charged a modest fee of $275 for the demolition.”

The move follows a heated debate in the United States Senate, where a motion for air strikes on Sauder was voted down earlier this morning.

“This changes very little. We are still open to the possibility of military strikes,” President Barack Obama told press in response to the announcement.

US Intelligence reports indicated that “this would be a primary target for air strikes.”
(Satellite imagery courtesy of the CIA)

The move also provoked reactions from conspiracy theorists, who claim that this is all a black flag operation executed by the University of Toronto.

“Dean Helsley assumed his position exactly one year ago to this day the very same day that a cyborg was seen escaping from a U of T lab and heading towards a Harry Rosen store. What I’m saying is that Dean Helsley is a U of T cyborg plant,” speculated UBC President Stephen Toope. ♦

Photo via Glotman Simpson