Buchanan Tower tragically unharmed after devastating campus-wide fire

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VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — In a cruel stroke of fate, a catastrophic fire tore through the University of British Columbia campus yesterday night — without burning down Buchanan Tower.

The RCMP are investigating potential causes for the fire, but have found few leads. “We pinpointed the start of the fire somewhere around Totem Park,” Constable Jim Pillowman said, stepping around a jumble of charred corpses. “We’re doing everything we can to bring justice to the situation,” he added. “Our hearts go out to all who will have to return to their classes or offices in Buchanan Tower.”

“I am deeply put off by the events of last night,” said UBC President Stephen Toope. Toope has refused to leave his luxurious estate, which was all but destroyed in the blaze. Throughout an exclusive interview with the Syrup Trap, he sat despondently in the smouldering ruins of his billion-dollar master bathroom.

“It is a great shame that Buchanan Tower — a building so ugly that it was featured as a Nigerian warlord’s war-torn headquarters in X-Men Origins: Wolverine — remains standing,” Toope said, cradling a blackened fragment of a solid marble toilet seat.

The president wiped soot from his well-formed face and gazed towards Buchanan Tower. “I thought this was our chance,” he whispered.

A shaken commuter student recalled the events of last night in chilling detail: “Oh, was there a fire or something? It must’ve really sucked, if there was. I’m not really on campus that much,” she said.

The tower, whose design derives from an architectural movement literally called “brutalism,” is being used as temporary housing for displaced university residents.

Fourth-year Marine Drive resident Timothy Chao took issue with the negative public opinion of Buchanan Tower.

“I really don’t see why you entitled pricks are all hating on this building. I’m glad it was spared. Brutalism was incredibly important in re-imagining the modernist landscape,” Chao said, shortly before being quartered and cannibalized by his peers for his pagan beliefs. Death to the brutalizer. May the streets run red with his blood and his troubled flesh be recycled unto the Student Body.

Classes are scheduled to resume next Monday. ♦

Photo by D.M.