A letter to the president of the university


Dear President Toope,

I am writing to complain about Dr. Brown, who is a professor here at the University of British Columbia. On Wednesday, after his “lecture,” I approached him with a question. Seems pretty simple, right? There were other people lined up behind me; it was like any other day after class. His response, however, was rude and, well, frankly, pretty mean. He said, and I quote, that he “could not give out the email addresses of everyone in the class, no matter how relevant the material [I] wanted to distribute was.” Wow. Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you?

First of all, it’s not “material.” They’re videos. Funny links that I find online. And no, they’re not “relevant.” They’re actually entertaining, unlike his so-called class. Yeah, they may not have anything to do with mathematics (unless you’re adding up all the smiles and joy they bring), but couldn’t we all use a little study break? In case you were wondering, ”Best of Fails 2012 Compilation” would’ve been the first thing on my list to send everyone.

And yeah, so what if I wanted the phone number of the girl who sits in front of me? Have we no respect for chivalry? Sure, Dr. Brown might not believe in love, but he didn’t need to say, “I do not have that information.” Wow, Dr. Brown, low blow. I mean, why humiliate me like that? I’m not even registered in the class. He should leave the abuse for his students.

Sure, there may have been mention of a “death threat.” I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I’ve made some enemies. So, therefore, some of my enemies deserve to die. Have you ever met Brian? Well, if you did, you’d side with me. But the Almighty Professor Brown seemed to be playing for the other team when he said that “there isn’t a Brian registered in this class.” Yeah, he doesn’t live here, genius. I grew up with him back in Kelowna.

In conclusion, I would like to ask for access to the university’s database. Anything you have at all on the student body of UBC. You could print it out and mail it to me (I’m withholding my address for security reasons), or just upload it as an attachment.


Trent ♦

Illustration by N. Z.