University launches $2.5B Kickstarter campaign


From the University of British Columbia’s official Kickstarter page

The University of British Columbia is excited to announce the launch of our new $2.5-billion fundraising campaign, which will be run entirely through Kickstarter. As a token of our gratitude, donors will receive the following rewards:

Pledge $50 or more

To welcome you to the UBC family, we will send you a generic thank-you email and add you to the mailing list we use to ask people for money.

Pledge $100 or more

A thank-you letter will be sent to your physical address, along with an envelope you can use to mail us more money.

Pledge $500 or more

You will receive a UBC T-shirt, a Faculty of Law paperweight and a framed, signed photograph of UBC President Stephen Toope holding his hands in a heart shape.

Pledge $1,000 or more

We will stop bothering you about those outstanding library fees. Go ahead, keep those books on enviropoetics, hydrophonics and Milton’s influence in early ’90s R&B. You’ve earned them.

Pledge $5,000 or more

You will receive a crate of UBC-branded M&Ms, which are great conversation starters. When you give people these M&Ms, they’ll be like, “Do these M&Ms have little UBC logos on them?” and you can reply, “Yes, actually, they do.”

Pledge $20,000 or more

We will plant a small tree on campus in your name, with one of those little plaques. Think about it: your very own small tree. And maybe, one day, a big tree.

Pledge $100,000 or more

For $100,000, you also get your own bench. Your own bench. How cool is that? You could be walking around campus with some old friends, then point at the bench and be like, “Oh, look, they named a bench after me. No big deal.”

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

We have a building that needs a name. We could name it after you, or you could name it anything you want. You could even give it a funny, confusing name, like the name of a building that already exists, or a name that contains only punctuation. Students will be so confused when they’re told to meet at the {([{({:;.]&}>~*%<> Building. What a great way to grow your legacy at UBC.

Pledge $5,000,000 or more

Have lunch with Shia LaBeouf in Vancouver. How did we get a hold of Shia LaBeouf? It doesn’t matter. Also, you will be asked to sit at a different table than Mr. LaBeouf.

Pledge $20,000,000 or more

Seriously? I could give you my house. You can also have the sociology department. Think about it: your very own group of sociologists! You could be living in my house with a bunch of sociologists and having just the time of your life, drinking coffee and doing sociology. Do you like cats? I have four cats. You can have three of them. You could be sitting in a hot tub with a bunch of sociologists, contemplating the future of academia, with cats walking around. I honestly can’t think of a better way to reconnect with your alma mater.

Pledge $500,000,000 or more

A donation at this level will help UBC researchers answer some of the most important questions of our time, like, “What does half a billion dollars actually look like?” I want you to imagine this with me: giant cash cube. Your generous donation will be stacked into a large cube of $100 bills in the atrium of the Main Library. People will come from far and wide to marvel at the cash cube. Children from all socioeconomic backgrounds will be inspired to pursue higher education and mothers will weep when they see the cash cube. You will be forever known as the person who made the cash cube possible. ♦

Illustration by Nick Zarzycki