U2 releases strand of effluvium


DUBLIN (The News Desk) — Following weeks of speculation, Irish rock band U2 released a single strand of effluvium on Wednesday morning. The release was confirmed by a blog post on the band’s website, as well as a semi-transparent, milky discharge present in the water surrounding U2.

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The Klipton Family Newsletter


Howdy folks! Well, between days at the beach, free movie nights at the park and bike rides around the neighbourhood, this summer sure has been a wild one. Some might even call it the best one yet for the Klipton clan. I made my return to the workforce as Eric’s personal chauffeur (the places this kid needs to go!), while Mark, who recently received a promotion at work, seems to have finally got over the infamous river rafting incident (it was the tube that made that farting noise, wasn’t it, Mark?). I can’t believe it’s September already!

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University to construct “Longboard Lanes” leading directly into the ocean


VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Officials at the University of British Columbia confirmed rumours that construction will begin immediately on priority campus “Longboard Lanes,” all of which will lead directly into the ocean.

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Why I think mobile payments should be banned on campus


Yesterday I learned that certain food outlets at my university would soon begin accepting phone payments for things like bagels and coffee. On one hand, I’m happy that we’re keeping up with the times here on campus. I’ve tried using my phone to pay for small purchases many times now, and I’m usually forward-thinking when it comes to technology.

But I also have some deep reservations.

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Welcome to Very Low Foods


Dear Team,

I wanted to let you know that three new employees will be joining our produce section this week. Welcome Nick, Ashley and Blake!

One thing that you’ll find as you start working here is that we at Very Low Foods like to think of ourselves as a family. We are like a giant grocery store family, with new state-of-the-art checkout counters and a trash compactor. Welcome to the family, guys!

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Everyone on this bus leagues more intelligent, less lonely than you


VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Everyone currently on this bus is leagues more intelligent and less lonely than you, and also cares deeply about what you’re doing right this second, sources reported Thursday.

Every single person — the first-year student wearing a scarf, that woman knitting, the infant pulling on his mother’s sleeve — is so beyond you, on a mental level, that’s it’s not even funny. 

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Student excited to be back in library staring at a bunch of tabs


VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — University of British Columbia student Stacy Yee told the Syrup Trap Wednesday that she was excited to be back sitting in the library, slack-jawed and half-awake, with just a whole bunch of tabs open.

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Burger King learns about breakfast from Tim Hortons


One factor that the announcements didn’t mention is that Burger King, which has had a hard time competing with McDonald’s and Starbucks for morning customers, could also gain from Tim Hortons’ breakfast expertise.

The New Yorker

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